No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Spell check is for lasers.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?