Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle