I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
philosophical skeletons be like
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect