*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
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18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.