🤔😂😂
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Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol