When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”