You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
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When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I want this so bad
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?