My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
They got Raph!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that