Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
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50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.