“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
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pizza
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
this is uni
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.