When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
You Might Also Like
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.