Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My nickname in high school was “who?”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
A friend sent me this.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
In case you needed to hear it:
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime