Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon