I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.