Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
bury ourselves
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.