I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome