me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them