*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.