Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap