I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
New favorite tiktok
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now