FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
apparently this year was written by stephen king
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.