Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
You Might Also Like
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
When does CPR become necrophilia?
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.