Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean