Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
“I FIXED IT!”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word