me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
dutch is not a serious language
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
all that yoga finally paid off
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.