going to the ER y’all need anything
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ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.