Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.