Me :
All Day At Night
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not