bad news gang
You Might Also Like
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.