I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Fun like a LinkedIn notification