If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.