[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Strange
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
#Caturday
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*