I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Stop it! 😂
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there