To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I hate everything
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™