In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.