If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Netflix and scream at our children?!
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security