DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
A roof is a house hat.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.