[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I think costco should be the next president of the united states