[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…