I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
want me to check your oil?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?