A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.