Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.