independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Dune (2021)
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
early stone age tool
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”