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Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*