If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”