ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did