I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*