HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.