“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”