ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Catercrombie & Fish
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
best review i’ve ever seen
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
In case you needed to hear it:
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying